Gasp 50 ! It sounds so grown-up. I still feel like there was a Ground Hog Movie incident wherein I have been in a holding pattern since I turned 30. It has felt as if I was at the safe center eye of a twister while a strange world has gone on swirling around me.

Perhaps, this disbelief is why when I turned 40, I decided that I should have a “birthday bag” every ten years. Maybe to soften the blow of over the passage of time with a perk? Or even as an investment into where I hope my life will be heading in the next ten years? For 40, it was a PROENZA SCHOULER MEDIUM PS1 in Midnight. I thought I would get a large for this large life where I would need to lug everything with me. But when I went into Nordstrom the large overpowered me and made me look like my bag was so heavy it was towards my knees. So, a Medium it was for me.

Now 50. I thought. “Should I get a lady-like bag? Something European. A handbag that an Italian widow would hold onto at her husband’s funeral in a movie. A bag like that holds the handkerchief, sunglasses, keys, phone, lipstick and it would stop the scarfed Monica Belluci-like widow from breaking down into a complete ugly cry as it would ruin the lambskin.

I showed my husband these bags but did not tell him why. I had them saved at Pinterest, from newsletters, from Net-a-Porter, from Instagram. All my favorite brands constantly communicate with me. Their campaigns are in my YouTube, Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, Twitter. AI knows what entertains and distracts me. I no longer get pitches from Maybelline. They know about my Victoria Beckham and Shu Uemura fixations.

My husband took one look at these bags and said. “They do not look like you.”

“They are my Italian lady widow bag.” I said.

“You are not Italian. And you are most definitely NOT a widow.” “Precisely I shot back “How suspicious would it be if 30 years from now, something happened to you and the first thing I did was ran off to Saint Laurent?”

Needing reinforcement I turned to my global network through the Geneva app asking about their favorite bags. It created a 300 post thread. Susana from Bilbao and Annie from Berlin and people from all over the world posted their bag stories and photos; giving the best advice on materials, finishes, leather, brands. Everything was BAGLOVE from shopping to caring to carrying and enjoying bags. There were stories of love and loss (bag thieves!). And even maintenance directions on using Collonil Pro Spray. “Do outdoors. Wear a mask”. There was sympathy for stains, back pains. There was support and second-hand advice to those who were still on aspiring. I had made my decision.

So the next week we went to San Francisco. The husband went to the Olympic Club for the Women’s Open while I went to Geary Street for Saint Laurent. (I do most all my shopping online except for when we travel. We haven’t travelled since New Years 2020 from London to Paris. It has been a year and a half since we shopped. For special occasions I go to the “mothership” (the mother store of the brand itself) for the full experience. This is when I am ready to commit to a purchase. No returns).

Note to self. Most shopping behaviors and triggers are probably from embedded childhood memories and experiences. What makes someone thrifty? What makes someone splurg? What makes someone hoard? What makes someone save for that trip of a lifetime and never take it while they still can? It’s all psychological. It’s not about a budget. There is a product for every price point and at every age and stage of your consuming life. You will still be thrifty, splurgy, a hoarder or stingy with yourself until you find the middle ground. The middle way in life is as elusive in shopping as it is in everything else.

So here I was in the store, bag in hand. Kevin, the Advisor had picked out the loveliest Baby handbag in Fog. Rather than the small I had asked for. The benefit to being diminutive is a reduction in luxury hand bag price. I started deliberating “Is the SAINT LAURENT SAC DU JOUR the middle ground for me?” Does it sit at the intersection of what I want and what I need?

A bag such as this, of full grain leather that is oiled regularly and stored carefully could be expected to last upwards of 30 years… my lifetime. This is an investment piece. Would I use it enough to justify the price? At a dollar a day, if I wore it 3000 times this purchase could be justified.

Kevin was right. I love this bag. It was so me. The color. I love grey. Probably because my mother told me once I could not look good in grey ever. Mom, anyone would look good with this grey! And this grey was a cool grey that went with my skin tone.

Looking down at the Sac du Jour in my hand. It is an open bag. It is not exactly streetwise. I felt crushed. A flaw that could be serious unless I was so very very careful all those 3000+ days.

Perhaps it belonged to a past life with a car and driver. That career-driven life wherein I was always doing something fashionable or impressive.

I was not “fresh of the boat” to anyone’s mind then. I was right of the runway. Airport runway.

Now, I spend all my time at home. Working from home. Living at home. It’s a trip to the grocers or the groceries are “on their way from Amazon Fresh. This is my real life now. Of course, I could wear this bag to visit my sister in Hong Kong so my SDJ could hang with her BLB (Big Luggage Bag). Then I wouldn’t have to Instagram us together. . .I could post a pic of our bags sitting tight together instead.

But I won’t be doing Hong Kong today.

Today, I want to live for today. I do not buy things or dress in a certain way for other people or to impress other people. Whatever I do now. I do for myself. To be presentable but in a manner that I feel comfortable …in my clothes…in my skin. I can no longer think straight with things pinching me here or there. I may never completely recover if I had another stiletto fall. I just found out from my podiatrist that this sprain hobbling me today was from 1999. What? In 1999 I danced with that sprain Dr. Barrett. Dr. Barrett I was in the chorus of Oliver throughout my prescribed convalescence. No one noticed. Not even my left foot!

Here I was looking down at that left foot. When the associate asked, “Should I put it on hold?” And I thought yes, I will hold onto this dream, this aspiration. Wait for it. Wait for it. Lin Manuel Miranda was singing in my head. Everything is so fast and fleeting. The moment I tarnish that bag, the dream will start to ebb and flow away. Let’s put that bag on hold for another 20 years. I have another good 20 even 30 years don’t I?

I crossed the road to Neiman Marcus for a soup, salad and a cappuccino. There was a socially distanced line. So, I strolled to the mezzanine. Magically ended up at Celine and The Row. Aiko, the Selling Specialist payed as close attention to me as I carefully studied the bags.I looked… Big Bag? Too Big. Luggage? Too heavy. Shopper? “To tie or to untie”. That is the question. Too complicated. Am I complicated?

No. I am modern, minimal and organized. I do not like complicated. That is me. It is everything the outside world will see about me. It belies the massive research and reflection about anything I do. I like to work on things. And shopping, even online window shopping is my master of time suckage. It takes so much effort to find the right things. Things that ultimately make it into the brands and products that I live by and subscribe to to make my day to day better.

In the pursuit of the perfect for me I have found some answers: Breville my entire kitchen, Samsung my entire home. cappuccino (illy), signature tea (Dammann green tea), maple syrup if you must have maple syrup (Tonic Bourbon), salad dressing (Napastak), shampoo (Oribe), eyeshadow (discontinued Shu Uemura taupe eyeshadow that I can never find the perfect dupe), best clothes for lounging and not care if they get stained gardening (Uniqlo), brands I would wear if I had a Hollywood Budget or sponsorship (The Row, Victoria Beckham, Proenza Schouler, Rahbih Kayrouz), shoes (Birkenstocks) only because of my effing left foot. I have more unanswered choices than solutions.

This is my quest. To curate a world with too many options. To find the best things to improve my life, making the day to day better.

MARI HLMR

It takes work to be minimal. If you are hoarding, you just shop at whim until your house is bursting at the seams. To shop to have just what I can afford to consume and keep neatly in my space takes thought and care. I am not even going into the cost to the environment, society and greater issues. This is just a reflection on what I last bought and why. I was buying a bag and I wasn’t being “woke” about it.

Back to the bag. I was lost in thought deciding not “what to buy” but what “not to buy” with the help of a roving luxury . Something didn’t feel right with these bags I was trying on.

“What about the Trio in black?” Jeffrey, the Celine Associate asked “I can put in on order and have it shipped to you before it gets discontinued. Discontinued?” Jeffrey was astute and he would not give up on me. Aiko piped in her approval. And just like that, after it all. I just said YES. THE CELINE TRIO.

And the next bag? I can wait another 10 years until Phoebe Philo comes back with her own line.

A stately Lady Dior or coveted Sac Du Jour I can wait another lifetime for that. Unless something extraordinary happens after this highly “Covided” life.

I handed my credit card and received an email almost instantly and more during the days to follow.

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THE END

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